Congratulations Fred, This One Is For You

"Today the band KISS held a press conference and announced that this will be their "Final Tour"....Fuck , one can ONLY HOPE. Right now I'm boarding up my windows, stocking up on canned goods, I have the short-wave radio, the flashlights, everything I need for a long vigil. I'm preparing for an onslaught from the much-touted KISS Army, those legions of fans who don't seem to feel used or hoodwinked or bamboozled or bled dry like kosher cows. It's the KISS Army vs. the Voice of Reason as we are forced to undergo another "last chance to see KISS" rap before they're entombed in the Valley of the Kings with the rest of the Pharaohs. I think the only reason KISS is really retiring this time is because all their fans are in Chapter 11 Bankruptcy from buying the Um-teenth "Live Album" and Action Figure and "Rockin' Program" and KISS Mug and KISS poster and KISS Panties and KISS bandanas and KISS Twizzlers and KISS Soup Mix and let's not forget the One KISS Boot Uncle Sid bought for Aunt Sadie to correct her Clubfoot. Thanks to KISS now Aunt Sadie won't have to walk along theedge of the Curb anymore. Thank you KISS, thank you for everything.
So, I'm wrong and they're right. KISS are really doing it "for the fans". Or, as I see it, KISS are the most money-grubbing hypocritical Shylock Televangelists this side of Jim Jones. As I see it, KISS want your Money, nay, DEMAND your money. In exchange you get...well, you get KISS . The four guys in make-up, the songs, and of course the Bottom Line, the Merch. All Hail the Merch. They set up their tent, put on their Rock Show and jam the collection Plate in your Belly till it hurts. And you pay through the nose, brother.
I'm certainly not gonna tell people how to spend their money but...KISS Fans, don't you ALREADY own all this shit? Haven't you already bought the posters and the coffee mugs and the God-forsaken Action Figures and the records by the score, don't you already own them? What next, KISS Spoken Word? The only thing new in the KISS catalog is when technology updates it's listening format, so maybe if KISS hangs around for another 5 years they'll invent a new mini-CD or something. Then we can buy all 700 records all over again. I guess my thought is, how many millions does it take for KISS to be rich enough? How many shots of Adrenaline does Ace Frehley have to endure before he says "Fuck this. I'm 80 years old and I don't fancy being an Action Figure anymore."
But you know it isn't really KISS that chaps my hide. I can respect their longevity and the fact they're rock'n' roll icons (Literally). If I had to focus on the one thing that I hate about KISS it would have to be...Gene Simmons Tongue. That ridiculous stupid Sticking-out-of-the-Tongue Thing that he's done picture after picture, year after fucking year, like a cuckoo clock, like the Mad Tea Party. I don't care that he's got thousands of Polaroids of all his fucks, frankly in this day and age that's fucking creepy. Who is this guy, Predator? But it isn't even the geeky Polaroids that chaps my hide, it's that fucking tongue, the incessant tongue. Sure, I know, that's his Character, he's a Demon or something, he's Evil, him and his tongue, they're in League with the Big Guy. That 50 year-old long-ass fucking piece of tongue-meat, the same tongue Columbus stepped on when he discovered the New World, the same tongue Lincoln tripped over when he delivered the Gettysburg Address, the same tongue Hitler waved to at the 1936 Berlin Olympics, Gene on the floor of the Stadium breathing fire and screaming "NOTICE ME--NOTICE ME" Oh, and by the way, buy my warehouse full of KISS Shit. Each year they trot KISS out and say this is the Last Reunion. The women cry, the men tear at their beards like the Old Testament, and invariably everyone runs to the Merch Booth to plunk down their last $$ for a $30 KISS Color-T. Or a $20 commemorative KISS Lobster Bib. Or the One-Time-Only KISS Ace Frehley Toy Defibrillator so when he looks like he's gonna croak up there you can give him a little Jolt and keep him going till the Bitter End. But don't ya see? As long as there's a Free-Market economy KISS will never die. They can freeze Gene's Head in Liquid Nitrogen but that tongue of his will still be goin' strong, wiggling and leering and pointing the way to more and more futuristic KISS merch. We can stuff KISS and put 'em in Disneyland, right next to "Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln." That way they don't ever have to die, they can still freak you out with that amazing stage presence and those patented stage moments like "Sure Sounds like Philly!!" or "You people know how to ROCK ' N ' ROLL ALL NIGHT --AND PARTY EV-ER-Y DAY!!." But most importantly you'll still be able to PAY, as long as there's one single Action Figure left on the Shelf we'll always have KISS, those Madcap Harlequins of Rock, those Zany Merchants of Cheap Plastic, the Antics, the Theatre, the Merch, the Songs, the Videos, the Merch, the Records, the Costumes, the Merch, the Pompousness, the Wearing-out-of-Their-Welcome, the Merch, the Failings , the Squeezing Dry of the Public, the Merch, the Umteenth Last Tour, the Last Gasp, the Merch. Thank God for the Merch."
--Jizzy Pearl